


I'll Help You Carry On

by serohtonin



Series: Show Me How to Fight for Now [2]
Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-14
Updated: 2013-10-14
Packaged: 2017-12-29 10:35:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1004381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a traumatic day of filming, they comfort each other through their shared loss, and discover what's most important.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Help You Carry On

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't claim to know what's going on in anyone's head, or assume how they grieve. I am attempting to work through my own grief, both in my personal life, and my fandom life. Thus, I have created this fictional work addressing real life events.
> 
> Follows the same characterization as [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/926113) but not essential to the understanding of this story.
> 
> Title taken from the song "Lean On Me."

Darren had had a rough day both in character and out of it. He had to carry the grief of another person as well as his own. Staring at the wall of lockers honoring Finn meant Blaine had lost his future brother-in-law, a member of his family, and that had sent Darren over the tipping point, to where he could barely continue filming.

Finn would never see another Thanksgiving or Christmas, nor would he have seen Blaine reconcile with the love of his life or be present at Kurt and Blaine’s wedding.

It wasn’t the real world, but the truth still lingered in Darren’s mind.

His friend was gone, and he had to play out his feelings all over again.

It had brought back the heaviness in his chest that day, nearly two months ago, when Darren discovered he had lost someone who had been part of his professional life day in, day out, nine months out of the year, for the last two-and-half years.

More than that, they shared a personal friendship outside of work that couldn’t be replaced.

He would never hear Cory's laugh while they had lunch together and traded stories of misspent youth; he’d never again be enveloped in a tight hug from his co-star as they parted ways.

He realized that, though the circumstances differed, he knew he would miss Cory, probably as much as Blaine would miss Finn.

This left him raw in a way he hadn't ever felt while playing a role before. His limbs felt heavy, like he could barely move, let alone hit his mark, and lip sync to any of the songs the way he was supposed to.

Yet, he survived the day, completely drained by the end, and he couldn't help wondering how Chris was managing. They had barely spoken at all; instead he let Chris work and process his emotions as Kurt, as Darren had with Blaine. 

He could not begin to imagine what Chris' headspace had been like all day, but he had to see if Chris was okay.

Like an echo of when he had first heard the news, Darren rushed to Chris' place. Darren knocks on his door and meets silence on the other side, just like that day.

They had sex that day, which they never spoke about, but they had hooked up a few times since, when one or both of them needed each other. They refuse to further it into anything more, despite the murmurs of love into each other's skin.

Keys had been exchanged, as friends, they reasoned, in case one of them completed their day and they wanted to be near the other; this also gave them easier access to each other without anyone knowing how much more time they'd been spending together, including their co-workers and significant others.

As he calls Chris' name, he remembers the chunk of metal weighing down his pocket and decides to unlock the door.

The only sounds on the ground floor are a ticking clock in the foyer, the toilet running in the downstairs bathroom, and Brian's paws clicking on the kitchen tile. There isn't any sign of Chris, save for a closed laptop and some papers strewn over the coffee table in front of Chris' couch.

Still, Darren seeks him out, because he's fairly certain Chris left the set before he did.

"Chris," he yells toward the stairs cautiously.

He probably should leave him alone, given how Chris tends to draw inward sometimes after particularly difficult scenes.

But Darren's learned, especially over these past few months, that he can coax Chris out of his self-imposed cocoon, both in professional and personal settings.

He treads up the stairs and stops in the doorway of Chris' room, finding a sniffling Chris curled on his side, away from Darren.

"Hey," he greets Chris quietly. "How ya doin' ?"

Chris continues to sniffle. "How do you _think?"_ he snaps.

"I don't think anything," he answers calmly as he perches himself on the edge of Chris' bed. "That's why I'm asking."

"I don't wanna talk, or fuck."

"Okay. Can I stay?" Darren tentatively reaches for his shoes.

"Yeah. Please."

"Of course."

Darren kicks off his loafers and tosses his hoodie on the floor. He lays down, careful not to touch him yet. "Can I hold you?" he tries.

Chris grabs Darren's hand, pulling him closer.

Darren understands and spoons up against him, ignoring the stir of arousal when his groin grazes Chris' ass.

He rests their joined hands low on Chris' stomach and brushes his lips to the nape of Chris' neck.

Chris shudders silently in his arms until eventually, his breathing evens out and he settles into the embrace.

Darren unclasps their fingers, sneaking his fingers under the hem of Chris' shirt.

Chris hums in what Darren supposes is appreciation.

"Good?" Darren confirms.

"Mhmm. 's nice," he mumbles around a yawn.

He kisses the spot behind Chris' ear. "You should sleep."

"Don't wanna. Wanna kiss you."

Darren blanches.

As much he wants to (and _oh,_ he _really_ wants to), it's not a very good idea.

Every time they kiss, it leads to touching, which leads to fucking, and Chris explicitly stated that he was opposed to that today.

"But--" Darren starts.

Chris turns in his arms. "I know. I changed my mind. I want you to touch me. I can't just--I need to do _something."_

"So, you wanna do _me?"_ Darren chuckles.

"I only said I wanted to kiss you, but no. I meant you fucking me, idiot."

"Insulting me, eh? I guess you're feeling better."

"No."

Heavy bags underscore Chris' red-rimmed eyes, and dried tears stain his cheeks, while his mouth is set in a thin line.

"Chris." Darren cups his cheek, and in a gesture that's become familiar, strokes his thumb along the apple.

Chris presses their lips together, softly at first, taking Darren's hand away from his face and placing it on Chris' hip.

He rolls Darren onto his back, kissing him with such force that it pins Darren to the mattress.

Darren thrusts up, the fly of his jeans rubbing over Chris' sweatpants.

Chris breaks away to pepper kisses along Darren's jaw and nip at his neck.

Darren peels off Chris' shirt without hesitation, and Chris lets him.

Their eyes meet, Chris' blues blazing with lust as he pulls Darren on top of him.

Darren's hand trails down Chris' chest, stopping to toy with the waistband of his pants.

Chris nods. "Tonight, yours."

Darren decides that's enough to go ahead and slip Chris' pants off, revealing all of his glowing porcelain skin. He leans down to nuzzle at Chris' mostly soft cock and smells the clean scent of his body wash.

It smells like home.

He wraps a fist around Chris to slowly jerk him and lick at the head. "You sure you wanna--?"

"Yes." Chris bends his knees and plants his feet flat on the bed, opening his legs a little further. "Mmm. Want you. C'mere."

Chris pulls Darren's shirt over his head and kisses him open-mouthed and wet while Darren still lazily works him.

"L-lube," Chris breathes out, fingers scrambling on the top of his nightstand. He eventually finds it and presses it into Darren's other hand.

"Mmmph," he kisses Chris again. "Yeah, okay."

He trails his gaze down Chris' flushed body, his chest heaving, his cock now hard and throbbing.

He licks his lips, positive he's never seen anything more stunning. His own cock pulses with want as he squeezes the lube into his palm.

He strokes Chris once, giving him more friction where he needs it, and then adds more lubricant to his hand.

Darren warms the substance between his fingers before he presses the pad of one inside.

Chris clenches around him, even at the slightest pressure. "Not so, unhh, so slow. I can take it."

He works his finger all the way in, crooking it until Chris writhes down on it and cries for more, so he adds a second digit.

Darren watches his fingers disappear into Chris' surprisingly forgiving body, pulling out to apply more lube and slip a third finger in.

With only a few more strokes, Chris begs, "Oh my God, please fuck me already."

Never one to deny Chris, he pulls out to wipe his fingers on the sheets, and hastily pushes down his jeans and boxers.

Chris' mouth hangs open, causing Darren to grin.

"Condom?" Darren asks, leaning close to kiss him.

"Oh, um, yeah. Do you want to, maybe, not?"

His sticky hand caresses Chris' face. "You sure? I'm not the only--"

"I know, but I'm clean. Are you?"

"Yeah, but I wanna be safe. Chris--"

"I don't care anymore." He turns Darren's head to whisper in his ear, "Fuck me."

It's messy and dangerous, but so is this whole thing with Chris regardless.

Ultimately, Darren agrees, recklessness triumphing over reason.

He kisses the corner of Chris' mouth. "Yeah. Okay. Yeah."

He wonders briefly if he's the only one who's had Chris like this, warm and pliant beneath him.

But then the thought washes away when he slicks his dick with lube, and pushes the blunt head into Chris' asshole.

"Oh, oh, fuck, Darren," Chris curses.

Darren anchors his hands onto Chris' hips, easing himself inside a little more.

Chris' gasp of pleasure melts into a moan as Darren reaches the hilt.

Darren stills inside of him, and catches his breath, leaning his forehead against Chris'. He resists the urge to ask if Chris is okay; clearly, neither of them are.

Then, Chris kisses him so tenderly that his heart nearly bursts with it. His eyes well up and spill over, some residue from Chris' face sticking to his own.

He doesn't know what else to do then, but pull back and thrust forward.

He thrusts again and again, roughly, and then, once more slowly, when Chris clutches one of his hands.

"Touch me," Chris delicately orders, curling Darren's hand around his cock.

He can only nod, willing his hand to move as he starts slamming into Chris.

Darren shudders, unsure whether it's from the tight heat around him, Chris' moans flooding his ears, or how close he might be. It's certainly not from how overwhelmingly right this feels, and the guilt of how they arrived in this position.

He inhales deeply, thinking they'll never share another moment as vulnerable as this one.

Chris rubs his back. "Stay with me. I'm right here. We're right here, okay?"

He can't offer any words, for once, so he responds by jerking Chris off in earnest.

"Yeah," Chris grunts. "Fuck me, Dare."

He matches the rhythm of getting Chris off with his pumping in and out of Chris' body, twisting his wrist at the head while he hits the spot inside Chris that has him shaking.

Chris brings his legs up, heels digging into the middle of Darren's back. "C'mon," Chris squirms beneath him. "Harder."

Chris strokes his shoulder blades softly, and Darren complies, Chris' head bumping into the headboard.

Darren only fucks into him harder, and strokes him quicker until Chris spills over his fist, exclaiming, "God, I love you so much. Love you fucking me."

Darren barrels into Chris' spent body once, twice, three times more, and then, he comes with Chris' name silently falling from his lips.

Darren collapses on top of him, not quite ready to move.

Still softening inside him, he kisses Chris' collarbone. "Love you, too," he says quietly into Chris' skin.

Chris simply digs his fingers into Darren's curls while Darren lays his head on Chris' chest, listening to his rapid heartbeat.

They stay like that until they're uncomfortably sticky and Darren has to pull out.

Even then, Darren doesn't leave him, curling into Chris' side and kissing the middle of his chest.

"Love you," Darren repeats, but Chris doesn't acknowledge it.

"I need to, um, clean up," Chris whispers.

Darren lifts his head. "Yeah, yeah. Lemme help?"

"Darren, I don't know. I--"

He straightens his body out, but lets their legs tangle. "C'mon. Please. I wanna take care of you. This wasn't just some fuck. And even if it were, I'd still wanna be good to you."

"You were. You are." Chris rests his palm over Darren's cheek. "You're so good, and I'm--we're selfish, and I don't need you to take care of me."

"Are you sure? You need _someone._ It's why we're here, aren't we? I need you, too. Can we at least admit that much?"

Chris searches his face. "Fine," he sighs. "Yeah. Let's go."

Darren picks up Chris' hand and kisses his knuckles. "Okay."

Chris leads him to the bathroom, switching the water on for the tub.

They shiver in the cool air around them, but he lets Darren drag him in for a sweet kiss that warms him down to his toes.

"Sorry if that was out of line," Darren apologizes, "I know we're not..." he trails off, unsure how to finish.

Darren means the kiss; he'd never apologize for caring for Chris, and letting him know how important they've become to each other.

He clutches Darren's hip. "It's okay. I needed a kick in the ass. That's what friends are for. What _you're_ for."

Darren tentatively smiles at him, wondering if he's content with a label of friendship.

He'll have to be.

"Shit." Chris glances over in time to see water sloshing over the edge of the tub. Luckily, he turns it off before it can flood his bathroom.

He climbs in while Darren grabs a washcloth.

Once Chris settles in, Darren dips the cloth in the water.

Darren gently wipes down Chris' chest, pointedly keeping his eyes away from Chris' face.

Darren's afraid of what he might find there, or what he might not find. If Chris' icy blues reflect unbridled affection, Darren knows his heart is gone to this man.

But he has to hold it back. They're just friends, and they're staying that way, however nebulous their boundaries might be.

Then, Chris brings their mouths together briefly as if they had practiced the move for years.

Darren ignores his heart in his throat, ready to spill his feelings, like he had that day they first started hooking up. Instead, he frames Chris' face with his hands, and kisses him again.

He straddles Chris, splashes vaguely registering in their ears as he crawls into the tub. Cloth still in hand, he reaches down to clean Chris' stirring cock.

"I'm not--I can't," Chris murmurs as Darren kisses down his neck.

"I know. We don't have to. I needed to do something," _to keep from bursting,_ he wants to finish, but returns to mouthing at Chris' neck.

His hands go to the small of Darren's back, teasing the top of his crack. "Mmm. I understand."

"Then, don't, unhh, do that, unless you wanna--" Darren involuntarily bucks against him.

"I might, later. Sleep first."

He takes a moment to relax, trying not to think about being with Chris again, and focuses on being with him like this, clean and stripped bare.

He twists around, so his back is to Chris' chest.

Darren closes his eyes and leans into the solid, safe arms encircling his waist. They breathe each other in, an eerie sense of calm enveloping Darren for the first time today.

He could live here, in this moment.

Then, Chris shatters it.

"I do," Chris kisses the back of Darren's neck, "love you. I just--We can't right now. It wouldn't be right."

"Will it ever be right?" Darren wonders out loud.

"I don't know," Chris answers honestly.

A deep breath, and then, he blurts out what's been on his mind since the day he found out about his friend's death. "Life's too fucking short, Chris. No one knows anything."

"That's no reason to turn our lives upside down."

Darren grips Chris' hand tightly, and turns his head to look at him. "Isn't it, though? It's exactly the reason we should."

"That's ridiculous. A month from now--"

"A month from now, I'll still love you."

The truth finally breaches the surface, and now that it's not surrounding the heat of an orgasm, he can't hide it or pretend he didn't mean it.

He wouldn't want to, anyway.

Chris can't ignore it, either.

"Dare, c'mon. Don't."

He moves out of Chris' grasp, water violently splashing out as he stands up. "Don't what, be honest, for once? We've been avoiding this ever since---well, as long as I can fucking remember, and I can't--" his voice breaks when he steps onto the cold tile, "let it go anymore."

"Just think--"

Darren grabs a towel off the rack, clenching it in his fists. "God, for once, I am."

"No," Chris gets out to face him, fighting the overwhelming urge to surrender to Darren. "You're trying to find meaning in something that doesn't make sense."

"Absofuckinglutely. What _makes sense_ is holding onto what matters," he lets the towel fall from one hand, "To me, that's you."

"We can still hold onto each other as friends. You already know how much you mean to me, and maybe, someday--"

Darren grips Chris' wrist. "What if someday is today?"

Chris swallows and looks into Darren's pleading, honest eyes, but he has to look away. "Can we sleep on this? It's been a long day."

"But, Chris, I--"

"Please, Darren. I don't wanna do this now."

Darren notices the drained, defeated look on his face, Chris' skin paler than usual, his shoulders slumped. "I don't wanna fight with you, Chris. C'mere."

He pulls Chris closer and wraps Chris' shoulders in the towel. He lifts to his tiptoes to kiss the top of Chris' head. "Let's go to bed, yeah?"

Chris nods into Darren's neck, letting Darren dry him off haphazardly and lead him back into his room.

Chris is the little spoon at first, but as they settle in, Chris turns to face him, ducking his head to Darren's chest.

"It's not that I don't want to," Chris confesses into Darren's skin. "I don't wanna make any rash decisions."

Darren rubs his back and chuckles, "But those are the best kind. We wouldn't be here otherwise."

"Maybe, we would have, eventually."

"What do you mean?"

"It's not like I never noticed, you looking at me. I couldn't--I could never, but--"

Darren's lips brush his forehead. "Someday?"

"Someday," he whimpers as he shuts his eyes, a harsh sob escaping him at the time he's already lost, and the time he's going to lose, without Darren by his side.

"Hey," Darren tilts Chris' chin up, quieting him with a kiss. "You can change your mind. I'll be here."

He swallows and repeats, "Someday."

\----

They return to a tentative friendship, filled with intimate touches that scream of their former familiarity.

They laugh and chalk it up to their characters' undeniable connection, if anyone asks.

Eventually, when the series finale wraps filming, Darren hugs Chord, Lea, Kevin, and the rest of the cast members on the set.

His head tucked into someone's shoulder, he mouths, "Love you," at Chris from across the room.

Chris smiles back and decides it's time.

The next day, Chris knocks on Darren's door with bated breath, and when Chris simply greets him with, "Today," Darren doesn't need to ask what he means.

A gasp, and then a bright grin lights up Darren's face, because he knows.

They can finally move on to their next chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> We can never fully move on from losing someone because a void always remains, but we have to go on living, so I wanted to end this with a little bit of hope.
> 
> If you found any of this insensitive, I apologize.


End file.
